Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
