are you so shy because you have an std?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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