I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
