I wish I could punch you in the face.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
