So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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