So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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