glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You may now shotgun with the bride
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
