mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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