Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
