You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
