Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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