it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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