nut hugger
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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