She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
