I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
