I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
