This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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