You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
