I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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