hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
