I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
