Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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