I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
