The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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