If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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