is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
40s are totally the cure
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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