Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
