I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
