i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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