guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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