He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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