hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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