i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
there is puke in my bra ... again
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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