ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
