seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
