..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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