why didn't you poke me back
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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