you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
