with your own penis?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
