Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
