Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
