we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
