Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
