Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
