eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
