I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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