I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
