I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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