either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
