I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My ATM looks so different sober.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
