Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
