my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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