we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
