I smell stomach acid.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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