That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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