Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
