i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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